September 3rd 2016 -The inner battle with love

As summer came to an end I was left with fewer outdoor distractions. I leaned on the men in my life to distract me from the inner turmoil that resided in my heart. This only made things worse. However, the fear of being alone for too long with myself, with my emotions, was too strong. Here I was actually able to connect with myself in conversation. To ask myself for guidance and support.

BREATHE! You’re stronger than this! Don’t let it get to you. Don’t fall apart, hold it together. Don’t cry. Just breathe!

But I feel so alone, so broken, fragile. Let’s face it, that heart has been shattered a million times, it’s just pixie dust scattered across my soul. How can I even pretend to love when I have no heart left to love with? I can’t love with all my heart when my heart is nothing but dust.

You’re right. You don’t love any of these men. None of them are “the one”. They can’t give you what you need! You can’t even love yourself as much as you deserve, how can you possibly expect anyone else to love you more than you can love yourself? You think you “like” these men. On some level you do. Of course you care for them. Love though? No, you love intimacy, the cuddles, the sex, the comfort, the connection, because you can’t get that from yourself.

I don’t think anyone can. It’s natural to crave those things. But when these guys give you these things, it’s for them, not for you. They don’t care for you the way you care for them.

But what if they did?
Think about that. What if they called you, they made the effort, they gave you all that you want, then what? What would you do then?

My heart would skip a beat, and I would get scared. I’d get anxious. I’d over think everything. It would be terrifying. I would want to run away as much as I would want to stay. I’d probably push them away.

So then why do you want more than what you currently have?

Because I always want more. I always want what I can’t have.

Such an only child.

How do you expect me to change that? I realize this whole situation is fucked. I really have no idea what I am doing. I’m essentially playing a game and making up the rules as I go along—trying not to hurt the other players. Yet I’m hurting myself by allowing them to hurt me. Not like they’re doing it on purpose, they have no obligation to me at all. I want more, but if they give me more, I’m just going to get scared.

So why can’t you just be happy with what you have?

I am! I am happy with what I have. It just gives me anxiety—the whole situation. Not knowing how any of them actually feel about me. Feeling neglected. Not a top priority. Just feeling used.

How do you know they don’t feel the same way?

Because they’re men. They’re getting sex—that’s all they want. If they wanted more, they would call me. They would make an effort to see me outside of the bedroom.

The ones you haven’t slept with make that effort. Start fresh with those ones. Hold off on sex, see where it goes. See if there’s something deeper there. Stop putting in all the effort with others. Wait till they make the effort to make plans with you outside of the bedroom. Be patient. Take this time to love yourself.

This was one of the clearest examples of my anxious-avoidant attachment style showing up in real time. Back then, I didn’t fully understand what was happening, but I was starting to see the patterns. I craved connection but feared what would happen if I actually got it. I wanted love, but intimacy felt overwhelming. So I kept chasing people who were unavailable and kept pulling back from the ones who showed up.

What helped most was starting this kind of inner dialogue—raw, honest, and at times painful. It was the beginning of learning how to create safety within myself, so I could stop looking for it in others. I was still learning not to shame myself for feeling things so deeply. Still trying not to cry. But I was learning how to breathe through it. And that made all the difference.